Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
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This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Snapes on a plane.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!