My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
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My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
There are no pants in heaven.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Nomnomnomnom
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy