Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
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Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall