Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
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Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
wishing you and yours all the best
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.