DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
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my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?