*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
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Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it