marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
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LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
new year update: losing everything but weight
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.