I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
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“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
asking santa clause for nudes
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong