Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
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Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
My inexpensive home security system…
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that