ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
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*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Lmbo
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.