me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
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[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
It’s an epidemic…
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Generation gap…