It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
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Saturday
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180