If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
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Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
That’s what I call a flat tire
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Mistakes were made
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes