My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
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Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
My kitchen overserved me.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Seas the day!!!!
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A