Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Thursday
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball