*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
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Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?