*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
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if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.