If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
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Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.