If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
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My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Stop it! 😂
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
the council will decide your fate
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
There is no “we” in pizza