You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
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Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
some things should go without saying
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.