I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
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Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.