Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
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[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.