Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
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Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.