Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
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Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”