Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
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[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Dishonest mechanic?
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?