Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
You Might Also Like
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
The opposite of Iceland is water water
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback