Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
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Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.