Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
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The only good comments section online is on recipes
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My dog learned how to text
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?