Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
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Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
These are too funny not to post 😂
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.