I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
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I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.