Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo