I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
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Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
those birds must be on payroll
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.