[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
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I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
May never get over this
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one