me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
when revenge coincides with naptime
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.