girls literally only want one thing..
You Might Also Like
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
This 4th of July, please remember…
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}