The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
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I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.