Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
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Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.