judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
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I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
(Electricians.)
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*