A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
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My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
oh shit
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.