sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
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[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh