If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
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BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Current mood: Potato
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.