Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
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Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
So the ex texted me
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth