I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
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HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth