“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
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“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Breaking news:
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.