“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
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The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*