Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
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Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!