maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!