I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
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[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto