can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
You Might Also Like
They’re not wrong
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else