Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
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Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
And bowling should be called pinball
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”